“Won’t it be hard if you have to give him back?”
The nurse asked sheepishly as we chatted between head measurements and weight checks. I pinched my lips into a solemn smile and nodded the tiniest of nods.
I’ve heard the same question from a dozen others who have been brave enough to ask since this New Chick joined my nest. But just like in the pediatrician’s office, I rarely attempt an answer. Mainly because I worry that I might start crying.
But also this: I’m afraid that I might make THEM start crying too. And I don’t want to heap this pain on others. This hurt hurts. And any woman who considers it with me is going to hurt too.
But what if by shying away from sharing my hurt, I’m robbing them of the chance to experience the Healer?
Won’t it be hard if you have to give him back? It’s a vital question and it begs an honest answer.
Yes. Yes it will be hard if we have to give him back.
I’ll grieve. I’ll hurt.
I’ll shake with sobs over the devastating loss it will be. I’ll ache with the pain from the severing of a life completely grafted to mine.
I’ll cry cupfuls that many will see.
And buckets that most won’t.
I will be weak. I will ask God why. I might question His plan.
I’ll hate DHR and detest the system.
There will be tremendous pain. Possibly like I’ve never experienced before. But after I’ve drained the sorrow, after I’m spent…
God. Will. Come.
And He will gather my wounded and weary soul to Himself and with the voice that calms seas He will say,
“Well done good and faithful servant. What you have done for the least of these, you have done for me.”
He might not make sense of it.
He might not tell me why.
But He will remind me that He Is Good. And that what He requires of me, He will supply. If He asks me to hand that baby, every bit my baby, over to another, He will give me the supernatural strength to do it. And then He’ll walk with me every step of every awful day after.
This is my firm conviction. And the only way I can face this uncertain future.
This is the only truth that allows me love that little one completely, knowing I might let him go:
That His grace to get me through will be enough. And that He will make it well with my soul.
Whatever pain you might be facing. The same is true for you.
Beth is Mama Bird to the four chicks in her nest; two bio and two foster, and Wife Supreme to one good-looking pastor. She’s quick to say that nothing in life has ever refined or challenged her more than fostering, and is passionate about sharing what she is learning with others. She loves writing at www.justbethlawrence.com.